Anyway, just a little update to say that I am trying to get back into buddyslim but I suppose I am doing it halfheartedly because I know I am gone again in a few weeks!

I have booked my trip…ahhhh!!!! I can’t believe I am doing it! I arrive in Cairo, Eygpt 10th Oct and finish up in Cape Town South Africa on 7th February! It will be an adventure anyway. I am apprehensive but I think that is just because it is happening very soon. I am anxious about spending 4 months with people I have yet to meet. and I am also worried about the first and lasting impression I make with these people. Yep, this is my fear. The thing I worry about most is how I act around people I don’t know. How to get to know people etc etc….But anyway. It will go ok I’m sure. It is just me being worried and I know when I get there excitement will kick in and I will have a great time. I’m sure that all the others on the trip will be fun and easy going, I hope!!

So I will be gone 4 months, not sure how often I will get online but if I do get a chance I will keep you guys updated!

On the weightloss front? same as last time. I’m at about 190-195 (stupid weight fluctuating!). So I suppose when I look at it I have kept off all the 30lbs I have lost. I have maintained, which isn’t the easiest thing to do. so I am happy with that. Who knows how this trip will affect my weight, I just hope that I stick to making some healthy choices and hopefully I will be getting lots of exercise in with the hiking and sight seeing and all!

I hope everyone is well, I’ve been reading up on a few blogs and trying to catch up. I so notice though that many of my subscription list seem to be awol too, or not posting blogs anyway. I will check in every now and again though…….take care

So me, I think the last time I posted was my birthday at the end of July! Had a great time, that led to a month long binge of partying drinking and eating!!! Moved home to my parents house and have been working in my mums shop for the past month. It has been great being back home and catching up with old school friends. I can honestly say I have never been so content in my life. I am not stressed. I am not worried. I am genuinely happy. wow. i never thought I could say that!

So my plan was to move to London, well, now. lol! maybe even a few weeks ago! But now I appear to be giving my life a shakeup and am very very nearly booking a 4 month camping trip in Africa! lol! i know! trip of a lifetime. I’d be going on my own but joining a tour group for the whole thing, and im sure the other 20 people on the trip would be like minded and interesting so the 4 months would fly by!! So i have till monday to decide on this and if I do then I will be gone mid Oct to mid Feb next year!! Cant believe I am going to do this. Then again, I actually can. I have always been the adventurous type and have often let my own self esteem hold me back. Well, no longer!

On the weight loss thing??? hmmm!!! I got to a low of 189lbs! wow! lol……I am now at about 196 or so. Which isn’t any big surprise as I have been eating well and slacking on the exercise! But recently I am back into it a little, trying to get walks in and trying to eat healthily again. I would like to be a little smaller before I head off travelling: just to be more comfortable in the heat and to be more able to participate in activities. Although my fitness level is still pretty good.

But you know what? I am not going to stress. Losing the weight that I have done in the past year (around 30lbs) may seem like a small number but it has completely changed things for me. I have confidence and I am happy. I dont automatically write myself off because I am overweight and I dont automatically think that other people do the same. I am having a lot of fun in life at the moment and hope that it continues. One friend (that has known me since I was 17) recently commented that she had never seen me so relaxed and content, ever. She says i just seem happy now. And I am. Sorry if Im gushing. I just want to tell people that being skinny isnt everything. Getting down to a tiny size is not the be all and end all. Being happy with yourself is the most worthwhile thing you can ever do. Yes, it would have been great if I could have felt this way at 225lbs. But I didnt and I know I had to lose some weight to change my mindset. Dont get me wrong, I know I could do with losing more weight. But not now.

So for anyone just starting out? Stick with it, I have not lost the greatest amount of weight ever and what I have lost took me a year. But it has been worth it.

Everyone who sent me boosters and their thoughts….thank you!!! I really appreciate them. I think of buddyslim and the friends I’ve made on here often and I wish everyone every success in everything they. It’s not goodbye from me and hopefully I can get on again soon but if I can’t then keep at it.

Be happy

The whole outfit was really cheap (dress and shoes were €17 each!). But I am happy with it, and what’s more I felt pretty confident, well when I wasn’t worried about the shortness of the dress! lol!!

So went out Thursday night with friends, had lots of fun and danced lots. Friday I was tired as I went to bed 7am that morning. Had a little nap in afternoon and then met a friend off the bus at 7pm. I was really tired and didn’t want to drink or go out, but she convinced me, lol! hadn’t seen her in ages and our nights out are always lots of fun! We did have to leave the pub at 1.30am though because I was pretty much falling asleep. Trying to dance when you can’t keep your eyes open is pretty tough!!

So Saturday morning we were up at 8am, got a bus then a ferry to an island off the coast. Needless to say I did NOT feel well on the ferry and it was a rough crossing. It was touch and go but I made it without vomiting, lol! So there was 10 of us out there camping. It was good fun, a little drama which got to me, but not going to go into it here. it’s not important. We drank lots, got back to our tents at 2am, lit a campfire and sat at that till 6am! Went and sat on the beach watching sunrise, sea is beautiful at that time! Went to bed at 7am……

Sunday I walked for an hour or two around the island. Not too fast but at least it was some exericse! Was really pretty. It was raining and we were sheltering in out leaking tent and getting col….so we went to a bar at 3pm. Warmer than our tent anyway! So we drank too much, again, surprise surprise! I have never laughed so much. It was just me and one of my friends and every time we went outside for a cigarette there were these guys there. They were on a stag party (bachelor party i think?) and they were hilarious. Me and my friend kinda became honorary members of the group because we were just laughing and singing along with them for the whole day.

One of the guys kept saying really nice things to me, but I just laughed them off. He was persistant though, told me he thought I looked GREAT! ha ha! I, of course, tried to just laugh it off and then when he actually convinced he was serious I told him I wouldn’t kiss him because he was on a stag party and I’m sorry but that is just a bit cliche and he probably had a girlfriend at home! But anyway, he didn’t and we got talking and got on well. Ended up kissing him outside the bar for a few mins, it was just so funny. I felt like I was 15 again and having a sneaky kiss around the corner of the bar so my friends couldn’t see!

Anyway, him and his friends came back to our campsite for another campfire. It was raining and SO cold and then a policeman came and told us we had to put out the fire or we would be fined up to €2000. ooops. we promptly did what we were told and called it a night.Me and this guy said goodbye and they all went home to where they were saying. It was never anything thatwas going to lead to anything serious and we did just kiss for a few minutes. But it was just funny. A guy telling me I looked good and actually convincing me! It was hilarious and actually gave me some serious confidence!! Once I knew he meant what he said, I got really confident in myself. That is the best thing that came out of the situation for me.

So eating was TERRIBLE. I mean absolutely awful. I probably ate enough for 5 people all weekend! ha ha! Anyway, I am feeling I am losing control on the eating battle and it’s not just letting myself be carefree and eat whatever I want. But it’s getting to just not being able to stop eating. So I must regain some control. Yes I want to be carefree about it for a while but do NOT want to put on weight. So I need balance.

I am exhausted now: got home at 10am this morning to my apartment: slept 11am to 7pm, ha ha! Shows you how much I partied this last few days! Not able for it anymore, but I suppose it is my choice and if thats what I find fun then why not. I am not hurting anyone, I just like dancing and laughing! I have to pack up and clean my whole apartment tomorrow. Going to try and get alot done tonight as well, no idea how I am going to get it all done!

So I will try and catch up with blogs and I am making a promise to myself that I will have a healthy eating day tomorrow. I will also get exercise in. Need to reign myself in for a few days, because I am having another party weekend next weekend. Ooops. Going to be fun though! Hopefully I won’t go quite so crazy on the eating this time.

Hope everyone is well and I will try and do some blog reading and commenting.

So I had my last ever shift in work last night! Finished up this morning. Been a tough week saying goodbye to my clients and bosses. Got some lovely leaving cards and things which was very sweet. It is also my birthday today so I am celebrating. I went for an hour long massage, it was so nice! I hadn’t been for months! I am going to go for a little afternoon nap now because I am tired after working the night shift! And some friends are arriving in 3hours for PARTY time! So I will be awol again for probably another week because I tend to spend the weekend partying and hopefully taking a little camping trip to an island! then early next week I have to move house and I have no idea how I am going to manage that!

But I will be back, not sure when. But I will be!I am not giving up on this, I promise! Keep up the great work everyone and I will be back to check up on some blogs in the near future!!

Love you all

Anyway, I must try and stay away from it, hide it in my wardrobe and leave it there for at least a few days.

So I took my measurements this morning to see if there has been any change there, seeing as the scale is just frustrating me!!

New Measurements:

Neck: 14″

Arms: 13.25″ & 13.25 ”           .25″ lost off each

Boobs: 40.5″                             1″ lost lol

Chest: 36.5″                              .5″ lost

Waist: 35″

Hips/Stomach: 42″

Bottom: 42″

Thighs: 25″ & 25″                   lost .5″ off one

Calves: 15.75″ & 16″              lost .5″ off one and .25″ off the other.

So total of 3.25″ lost. Had lost 25 inches from September to May so that’s now a total of 28.25 inches lost altogether! Not bad! Just wish they would come off my stomach which is my main problem area and is not getting much smaller! My chest i think has gone as small as it can go, I mean my ribs are right there, not much fat left on them! As for my stomach….plenty of fat just waiting to melt away! lol!

Anyone know of a website for making a virtual model that you can actually put in your stats like these? Would like to see a really accurate model of what I looked like before and what I look like now!! I know the myvirtualmodel site but that only lets me put in weight height and build. I’d like one that would let me out in measurements!

Anyway, plan for today, few errands to run. Then working an overnight shift. So must make good choices! That stupid scale has me scared though, so it might be easier than usual. Good also just be time of the month.

Then I read Briahna’s blog and she mention my recent gym going and wondered whether I was still doing it. So I got up and went! YAY! I did 20mins on the bike (150 cals) 20 mins on rowing machine (150 cals), 20mins on the treadmill (6mins jog and 14 walk 165 cals). Then went into the pool, only had time to do 10 lengths, and my arms were a little sore after the gym anyway. So I am happy with my workout! Was SO hungry after all this and had to go straight to work so popped into Subway on the way. Got a veggie delight with no cheese and some baked crisps that were 150cals. So a good choice I think. Was in work a few hours, which consisted of playing computer games with a child I work with, lol, sometimes work is tough!!! ha ha!

So am just after dinner, made myself mushroom and veggie risotto. Was really good, athough portion size was a little big. Was nice anyway. Haven’t counted cals today. But I think I did ok. With going to the gym and all too.

So a good day, was meant to go out for a few drinks tonight, but it’s postponed till Friday night. I plan on going shopping on Friday. It’s my birthday next week and I want to buy myself a new dress for wearing out that night! Going out for dinner drinks and dancing with some friends!! Wanna get something really nice and look great!!, so we’ll see. Not an ideal time to go shopping as it’s my time of the month and I will just feel bloated in everything But maybe by Friday I’ll be ok.

Got on the scale again this morning, I should really stay away from it, but I was back to 189 so that’s good! Set new goals on my ticker today. Set my next mini goal as 179lbs and my final goal at 165. This would be a total of 60lbs loss, wow. That number looks big and daunting. But I suppose I am at 36 down and 24 to go. So I am 3 fifths of the way there, sounds much better than halfway! lol!! So I have no deadline at all as to when I want to get there. Would like to be at 179 in the next 6weeks which is a tall order, especially with all the partying I have coming up. 165lbs by Christmas would be great! But as I say, I don’t mind. I am just confident I will get there eventually!!

I am feeling a little embarassed about my blog earlier. I think I was just a little frustrated. I was feeling out of control and unmotivated and wasn’t sure how I could do it. But today I have done a few things that have gotten me back in control. I spend an hour or so tidying and clearing out clothes. Trying on things that are too big that fit recently: well that reinforced how far I have come. I also took some photos of myself, studied them carefully. Trying to get my head to take in the difference my weight loss has brought!

I cooked today instead of just snacking: made a kind of casserole with lots of veg, some sweet potato and some mixed beans (chick peas and another type I can’t remember!). It was good. I have to remember to always cook healthy food. I enjoy doing it and it tastes better than snacking on crackers!

I drove out and picked up a friend at her house and went for a drive! We went to a village by the sea and had an ice cream (a starburst sorbet type thing 100 cals!). we were only away for an hour and a half but it was good to chat and plan our weekend away for my birthday in 2 weeks! We are going camping on an island off the coast, should be a group of 10-15 of us so will be lots of fun, and planning on renting bikes and cycling for a few hours too, can’t wait!!! Anyway, it was nice to hang out and relax. Went shopping then and bought some new underwear (always cheers me up, lol!) and some fish and healthy groceries.

So I have written down everything I have eaten today. Haven’t added calories but just writing it down is a start! Have taken Tiffanys advice and written down a menu for tomorrow. When I am in control of my choices I just write things down after I eat them but it seems at the minute I need to be stricter with myself so I’ll see how the menu goes tomorrow!

So that is today. I had a nice day off. I thought about my blog when I was out and wa embarassed about my complaining. I honestly didn’t do it looking for sympathy or anything, just wanted to get my own frustrations out. Was going to delete it but thought I would leave it there, let myself look back at it and give me a kick up the backside!!

So I am waiting for the parade to start in half an hour, plan on standing out on my balcony to watch it pass. Should be fun. Was going to have a drink but don’t think I will. Meeting a few friends wednesday night for a few drinks for my leaving so i’ll wait till then. Get back in control for a day or 2 first.

Thanks everyone for all your advice. I plan on getting a good night’s sleep and having a lie in tomorrow morning, first morning in over a week I don’t have to be up early (start work at 4pm tomorrow)  so am going to enjoy not setting an alarm. Knowing me I will probably wake at 8am anyway!

So tomorrow will be a good day I hope. I did this last week and the week before. I am not sure what came over me these last few days but new day new week and positive attitude. I have done so well and am more than half way there so I just need to keep going. Imagine how proud I would be of myself if I achieve that. Just have to keep that thought in mind.

“If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it.”
William Arthur Ward

I got a glimpse into the reality of what I’m doing. This past 24hours in work I ate mindlessly. I ate unhealthily. I realised this morning as I was eating some fried potatoes (yep, if I’m gonna eat unhealthily why not go all out on it) that if I continue to eat like I have this past few days I would put all the weight I’ve lost back on. It would take I’m guessing one month, maybe two. I have spent nearly 12 months losing these 36lbs and I think I could have them back on in one month. Do I want that?? Of course not. Then why am I eating the way that I am? I baffle myself sometimes.

So I had to think. Why am I doing this? Why do I want to lose weight? It would be much easier to just eat eat eat and put on these pounds. So I tried to get myself to realise that. It would be easy and if that’s what I want to do then why not do it? But this is NOT what I want. So I have to make myself realise this. I got to thinking that there are so many reasons for me to keep losing weight and pretty much none for me to  put the weight back on. I want to be healthier. And I want to feel good about myself.

For as long as I can remember I have been overweight and my self esteem and self confidence has suffered as a result. I wish I could be one of those people that loves themselves no matter what. That has confidence and self esteem no matter what their size. I saw some plus size burlesque type dancers on America’s Got Talent last night, wow, they all looked amazing and this was because they had confidence and loved themselves. I admire people that are like that. But unfortunately I know I am not one of them. I have always felt bigger in all situations and this directly affects my ability to have fun and be myself.

I remember being 9 or 10 years old and getting weighed in school and then lying about it afterwards to my friends and telling them I was lighter than I was. I knew even then that I was ashamed of being overweight. I wish I wasn’t. But, honestly, I feel better about myself being slimmer. And let’s face it, it is healthier too. I don’t ever want to be skinny, that has never been a goal for me. I just want to be “normal”, not that such a thing exists in my opinion, to not feel like I am being judged for being overweight. And to be honest, the worst person that judges me for being overweight is me.

I do so well for a week or so, then I seem to lose track. I seem to think for some reason I can go off the rails again. The only reason that I have lost as much as I have this past year is because of Buddyslim. This is something I know for definite. My binges and going off the rails would last for weeks and months before. Now they last days , maybe a week max. Because I get back on here. I realise what I’m doing. I blog out my feelings and realise that I need to get back on track. For that, I thank everyone here so much.

I just hope that this time is no different. It is only 10am here and I have already eaten an unhealthy breakfast.  But I know one meal won’t ruin my day and I hope I don’t sabotage the rest of my day. There is no point saying I will do “this, this and this” to get back on track today cause I did that yesterday and that got me nowhere. Something I have only got myself to blame for.

Today is my first day off in a week. The sun is shining (although there are some grey clouds in the sky) and hopefully it stays this way. I am going to clean my room, start sorting things out and packing. I am going to tidy my apartment. I plan to go for a trip later. I think I need to just go for a drive, to the beach I think. Bring a book and just relax. A friend might come too. Then tonight there is a parade on for a festival in town and it goes down my street so my balcony will be the perfect place to watch from! I need to start doing things for me and stop wasting my time just doing nothing apart from working.

It is something that I am doing alot recently: living for the future. Not living for today. I am always thinking that things will be better when I move away and that I will do loads of fun things then. But life is too short to think like that. Anything can happen at any time and we have to live for today (within reason, lol, I’m not going to go doing anything crazy!!!). So I want to do something today. I’ll take my camera, take some pictures and just have a nice day off.

Anyway, a  long and rambling blog that makes little sense. Suppose that’s the way I’m feeling at the minute. I want to stop beating myself up for not being perfect, something no one can ever be, and start realising that I AM worth doing this for. I will feel better physically. I will look better and so I will have more confidence in myself. These are things I want so I have to do what needs to be done to achieve them.

Have a good day everyone……. I’ll probably write again later. Sorry if this blog was just me moaning and complaining but I just needed to get these things out of my head and make myself get back on track!

Take care

So I also let myself be lazy, I think sometimes no matter how much I try and convince myself to do something i just can’t seem to get the motivation!! But I figured one evening of lazy is NOT going to undo all I have done. So I had a lazy evening and I went to bed last night thinking about how motivated I was going to be today!!!

So here I am, blogging before work. Gonna try my very very best to make good choices in work. I have to eat lunch, dinner and tomorrow’s breakfast there so we’ll see how it goes. I will try though, and I will think of this blog everytime I am about to make a bad choice.

No exercise today as I’m in work but work is pretty active so that’s ok.

I also got to thinking about my goal weight. When I started this (at 225lbs) I really though 180 would be fine for me. I thought because I was tall and broad that this would be ideal. Seems I’m not as tall as I thought. Also, I’m not as broad as I thought. I think I just always felt bigger than I was because of being overweight. If this makes sense to anyone. So now that I am at 189, I know that in another 9lbs I will not be at a suitable goal for my body, My belly is still way to big and this is unhealthy. So I will wait till I get to 180 which will be in the next few weeks hopefully and then I will decide on a new goal. Probably 165lbs.

Ok, so off to work. Have a good day everyone. It is raining here, so it is just as well I’m going to work because I would just be lazy instead! lol!