Easier to put this weight back on…is that really what I want?
So…….I lied. There you go, I’ve admitted it. I lied to myself and I lied to you guys. I did not write down ANYTHING I ate yesterday. nothing at all. I said I would and I didn’t. With the result that I, yet again, ate WAY WAY too much. And way too much unhealthy stuff, again.
I got a glimpse into the reality of what I’m doing. This past 24hours in work I ate mindlessly. I ate unhealthily. I realised this morning as I was eating some fried potatoes (yep, if I’m gonna eat unhealthily why not go all out on it) that if I continue to eat like I have this past few days I would put all the weight I’ve lost back on. It would take I’m guessing one month, maybe two. I have spent nearly 12 months losing these 36lbs and I think I could have them back on in one month. Do I want that?? Of course not. Then why am I eating the way that I am? I baffle myself sometimes.
So I had to think. Why am I doing this? Why do I want to lose weight? It would be much easier to just eat eat eat and put on these pounds. So I tried to get myself to realise that. It would be easy and if that’s what I want to do then why not do it? But this is NOT what I want. So I have to make myself realise this. I got to thinking that there are so many reasons for me to keep losing weight and pretty much none for me to put the weight back on. I want to be healthier. And I want to feel good about myself.
For as long as I can remember I have been overweight and my self esteem and self confidence has suffered as a result. I wish I could be one of those people that loves themselves no matter what. That has confidence and self esteem no matter what their size. I saw some plus size burlesque type dancers on America’s Got Talent last night, wow, they all looked amazing and this was because they had confidence and loved themselves. I admire people that are like that. But unfortunately I know I am not one of them. I have always felt bigger in all situations and this directly affects my ability to have fun and be myself.
I remember being 9 or 10 years old and getting weighed in school and then lying about it afterwards to my friends and telling them I was lighter than I was. I knew even then that I was ashamed of being overweight. I wish I wasn’t. But, honestly, I feel better about myself being slimmer. And let’s face it, it is healthier too. I don’t ever want to be skinny, that has never been a goal for me. I just want to be “normal”, not that such a thing exists in my opinion, to not feel like I am being judged for being overweight. And to be honest, the worst person that judges me for being overweight is me.
I do so well for a week or so, then I seem to lose track. I seem to think for some reason I can go off the rails again. The only reason that I have lost as much as I have this past year is because of Buddyslim. This is something I know for definite. My binges and going off the rails would last for weeks and months before. Now they last days , maybe a week max. Because I get back on here. I realise what I’m doing. I blog out my feelings and realise that I need to get back on track. For that, I thank everyone here so much.
I just hope that this time is no different. It is only 10am here and I have already eaten an unhealthy breakfast. But I know one meal won’t ruin my day and I hope I don’t sabotage the rest of my day. There is no point saying I will do “this, this and this” to get back on track today cause I did that yesterday and that got me nowhere. Something I have only got myself to blame for.
Today is my first day off in a week. The sun is shining (although there are some grey clouds in the sky) and hopefully it stays this way. I am going to clean my room, start sorting things out and packing. I am going to tidy my apartment. I plan to go for a trip later. I think I need to just go for a drive, to the beach I think. Bring a book and just relax. A friend might come too. Then tonight there is a parade on for a festival in town and it goes down my street so my balcony will be the perfect place to watch from! I need to start doing things for me and stop wasting my time just doing nothing apart from working.
It is something that I am doing alot recently: living for the future. Not living for today. I am always thinking that things will be better when I move away and that I will do loads of fun things then. But life is too short to think like that. Anything can happen at any time and we have to live for today (within reason, lol, I’m not going to go doing anything crazy!!!). So I want to do something today. I’ll take my camera, take some pictures and just have a nice day off.
Anyway, a long and rambling blog that makes little sense. Suppose that’s the way I’m feeling at the minute. I want to stop beating myself up for not being perfect, something no one can ever be, and start realising that I AM worth doing this for. I will feel better physically. I will look better and so I will have more confidence in myself. These are things I want so I have to do what needs to be done to achieve them.
Have a good day everyone……. I’ll probably write again later. Sorry if this blog was just me moaning and complaining but I just needed to get these things out of my head and make myself get back on track!
Take care 
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I know how you feel. It is for some reason hard to stay focused all the time. I hope things get better for you. Hang in there, you can do it.
I actually fell into this and I did gain back every single pound minus 1 & its miserable. But I have no one to blame but myself. We can sit in our misery or kick ourselves in the butt & fix it. You havent gained the weight back yet. STOP YOURSELF BEFORE YOU DO! Make a daily menu for yourself & stick to it. Check off each thing you eat and when you are at the end of the list..brush your teeth and be done with it. I have had to do this to myself because I wasnt writing everything down. But since I started making myself a menu, I wont stray from it. Its one of thos “This is what you have for the day. There is nothing else” mentality.
I know you can do it! look how far you’ve come!
Oh, girl. Work is a big hang up for me too when it comes to food. Don’t let it get you down. Pick yourself back up and continue on. I know you can do this! Go back and look at some of those happy blogs you wrote. I know I remember them. For instance, the mini goal one.
well I hope after writing everything down you feel better..
And you will get back into the mind set you need to be on to continue to loose weight. Right now you are realizing you are slipping and are blogging about it. Next step focus.. We all go through what you are going through the question is can we learn from it and move on and YOU WILL…
Ok, so you drive to that beach and take a walk!! Keep a food journal and plan your food. You do have a choice, and you can do it!
Aww, Maria. I hear ya on this one girl. I have had WAY too many high days this past 7 days. Let’s decided to do REALLY well this week. We CAN do it AND we want TO do it, so LET’S do it ! I am feeling glum today too… Feeling bloated and guilty. I wrote everything down I ate and had nothing mindlessly, just have been allowing myself a bit too much food out… I am off to read ur new blog !