Maria’s quest for a healthier body!

Sorry buddies I have not been in on here in a week. It’s been a mad one. I have either been drinking and partying, hungover, or working! So needless to say my eating has been terrible!!!! But you know what? I’m ok with that. I’m not sure why I am and I know I shouldn’t be. And I’m sure when I get on the scale again I won’t be happy with it. But for the meantime it’s ok.

So I had my last ever shift in work last night! Finished up this morning. Been a tough week saying goodbye to my clients and bosses. Got some lovely leaving cards and things which was very sweet. It is also my birthday today so I am celebrating. I went for an hour long massage, it was so nice! I hadn’t been for months! I am going to go for a little afternoon nap now because I am tired after working the night shift! And some friends are arriving in 3hours for PARTY time! So I will be awol again for probably another week because I tend to spend the weekend partying and hopefully taking a little camping trip to an island! then early next week I have to move house and I have no idea how I am going to manage that!

But I will be back, not sure when. But I will be!I am not giving up on this, I promise! Keep up the great work everyone and I will be back to check up on some blogs in the near future!!

Love you all

MUST STAY AWAY FROM THE SCALE! I cannot put on 4lbs in one day…ahhhhhh. especially after a day where I went to the gym!!!

Anyway, I must try and stay away from it, hide it in my wardrobe and leave it there for at least a few days.

So I took my measurements this morning to see if there has been any change there, seeing as the scale is just frustrating me!!

New Measurements:

Neck: 14″

Arms: 13.25″ & 13.25 ”           .25″ lost off each

Boobs: 40.5″                             1″ lost lol

Chest: 36.5″                              .5″ lost

Waist: 35″

Hips/Stomach: 42″

Bottom: 42″

Thighs: 25″ & 25″                   lost .5″ off one

Calves: 15.75″ & 16″              lost .5″ off one and .25″ off the other.

So total of 3.25″ lost. Had lost 25 inches from September to May so that’s now a total of 28.25 inches lost altogether! Not bad! Just wish they would come off my stomach which is my main problem area and is not getting much smaller! My chest i think has gone as small as it can go, I mean my ribs are right there, not much fat left on them! As for my stomach….plenty of fat just waiting to melt away! lol!

Anyone know of a website for making a virtual model that you can actually put in your stats like these? Would like to see a really accurate model of what I looked like before and what I look like now!! I know the myvirtualmodel site but that only lets me put in weight height and build. I’d like one that would let me out in measurements!

Anyway, plan for today, few errands to run. Then working an overnight shift. So must make good choices! That stupid scale has me scared though, so it might be easier than usual. Good also just be time of the month.

well, i’ve been busy…..and tired! but things are getting back on track diet and exercise wise. Made good (but not perfect!) choices on Monday night. 4 chocolate biscuits may not have been the best idea but they were good!!! Went for an hour long walk before work and went for a walk with a client during work too. I didn’t eat enough yesterday (Tuesday) cause I worked till 10am then went to another work for a few hours. Came home and had some crackers. I’m estimating I had maybe 800-1000 cals. Then went for a lie down at 7pm cause I was wrecked, planned on getting up in an hour or so to make dinner but I woke at midnight!! and went back to sleep till 7 this morning. I’m sleeping alot recently and am pretty tired but think it’s just cause things are a little stressful and I suppose I didn’t sleep very well on my night shift monday. So today I got up, had a healthy breakfast and thought about whether I would go to the gym or not…….I had pretty much given myself every excuse that I wouldn’t go……

Then I read Briahna’s blog and she mention my recent gym going and wondered whether I was still doing it. So I got up and went! YAY! I did 20mins on the bike (150 cals) 20 mins on rowing machine (150 cals), 20mins on the treadmill (6mins jog and 14 walk 165 cals). Then went into the pool, only had time to do 10 lengths, and my arms were a little sore after the gym anyway. So I am happy with my workout! Was SO hungry after all this and had to go straight to work so popped into Subway on the way. Got a veggie delight with no cheese and some baked crisps that were 150cals. So a good choice I think. Was in work a few hours, which consisted of playing computer games with a child I work with, lol, sometimes work is tough!!! ha ha!

So am just after dinner, made myself mushroom and veggie risotto. Was really good, athough portion size was a little big. Was nice anyway. Haven’t counted cals today. But I think I did ok. With going to the gym and all too.

So a good day, was meant to go out for a few drinks tonight, but it’s postponed till Friday night. I plan on going shopping on Friday. It’s my birthday next week and I want to buy myself a new dress for wearing out that night! Going out for dinner drinks and dancing with some friends!! Wanna get something really nice and look great!!, so we’ll see. Not an ideal time to go shopping as it’s my time of the month and I will just feel bloated in everything But maybe by Friday I’ll be ok.

Got on the scale again this morning, I should really stay away from it, but I was back to 189 so that’s good! Set new goals on my ticker today. Set my next mini goal as 179lbs and my final goal at 165. This would be a total of 60lbs loss, wow. That number looks big and daunting. But I suppose I am at 36 down and 24 to go. So I am 3 fifths of the way there, sounds much better than halfway! lol!! So I have no deadline at all as to when I want to get there. Would like to be at 179 in the next 6weeks which is a tall order, especially with all the partying I have coming up. 165lbs by Christmas would be great! But as I say, I don’t mind. I am just confident I will get there eventually!!

First off, my condolences to Nicole on the death of her mother. I left her a message earlier.

I am feeling a little embarassed about my blog earlier. I think I was just a little frustrated. I was feeling out of control and unmotivated and wasn’t sure how I could do it. But today I have done a few things that have gotten me back in control. I spend an hour or so tidying and clearing out clothes. Trying on things that are too big that fit recently: well that reinforced how far I have come. I also took some photos of myself, studied them carefully. Trying to get my head to take in the difference my weight loss has brought!

I cooked today instead of just snacking: made a kind of casserole with lots of veg, some sweet potato and some mixed beans (chick peas and another type I can’t remember!). It was good. I have to remember to always cook healthy food. I enjoy doing it and it tastes better than snacking on crackers!

I drove out and picked up a friend at her house and went for a drive! We went to a village by the sea and had an ice cream (a starburst sorbet type thing 100 cals!). we were only away for an hour and a half but it was good to chat and plan our weekend away for my birthday in 2 weeks! We are going camping on an island off the coast, should be a group of 10-15 of us so will be lots of fun, and planning on renting bikes and cycling for a few hours too, can’t wait!!! Anyway, it was nice to hang out and relax. Went shopping then and bought some new underwear (always cheers me up, lol!) and some fish and healthy groceries.

So I have written down everything I have eaten today. Haven’t added calories but just writing it down is a start! Have taken Tiffanys advice and written down a menu for tomorrow. When I am in control of my choices I just write things down after I eat them but it seems at the minute I need to be stricter with myself so I’ll see how the menu goes tomorrow!

So that is today. I had a nice day off. I thought about my blog when I was out and wa embarassed about my complaining. I honestly didn’t do it looking for sympathy or anything, just wanted to get my own frustrations out. Was going to delete it but thought I would leave it there, let myself look back at it and give me a kick up the backside!!

So I am waiting for the parade to start in half an hour, plan on standing out on my balcony to watch it pass. Should be fun. Was going to have a drink but don’t think I will. Meeting a few friends wednesday night for a few drinks for my leaving so i’ll wait till then. Get back in control for a day or 2 first.

Thanks everyone for all your advice. I plan on getting a good night’s sleep and having a lie in tomorrow morning, first morning in over a week I don’t have to be up early (start work at 4pm tomorrow)  so am going to enjoy not setting an alarm. Knowing me I will probably wake at 8am anyway!

So tomorrow will be a good day I hope. I did this last week and the week before. I am not sure what came over me these last few days but new day new week and positive attitude. I have done so well and am more than half way there so I just need to keep going. Imagine how proud I would be of myself if I achieve that. Just have to keep that thought in mind.

“If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it.”
William Arthur Ward

So…….I lied. There you go, I’ve admitted it. I lied to myself and I lied to you guys. I did not write down ANYTHING I ate yesterday. nothing at all. I said I would and I didn’t. With the result that I, yet again, ate WAY WAY too much. And way too much unhealthy stuff, again.

I got a glimpse into the reality of what I’m doing. This past 24hours in work I ate mindlessly. I ate unhealthily. I realised this morning as I was eating some fried potatoes (yep, if I’m gonna eat unhealthily why not go all out on it) that if I continue to eat like I have this past few days I would put all the weight I’ve lost back on. It would take I’m guessing one month, maybe two. I have spent nearly 12 months losing these 36lbs and I think I could have them back on in one month. Do I want that?? Of course not. Then why am I eating the way that I am? I baffle myself sometimes.

So I had to think. Why am I doing this? Why do I want to lose weight? It would be much easier to just eat eat eat and put on these pounds. So I tried to get myself to realise that. It would be easy and if that’s what I want to do then why not do it? But this is NOT what I want. So I have to make myself realise this. I got to thinking that there are so many reasons for me to keep losing weight and pretty much none for me to  put the weight back on. I want to be healthier. And I want to feel good about myself.

For as long as I can remember I have been overweight and my self esteem and self confidence has suffered as a result. I wish I could be one of those people that loves themselves no matter what. That has confidence and self esteem no matter what their size. I saw some plus size burlesque type dancers on America’s Got Talent last night, wow, they all looked amazing and this was because they had confidence and loved themselves. I admire people that are like that. But unfortunately I know I am not one of them. I have always felt bigger in all situations and this directly affects my ability to have fun and be myself.

I remember being 9 or 10 years old and getting weighed in school and then lying about it afterwards to my friends and telling them I was lighter than I was. I knew even then that I was ashamed of being overweight. I wish I wasn’t. But, honestly, I feel better about myself being slimmer. And let’s face it, it is healthier too. I don’t ever want to be skinny, that has never been a goal for me. I just want to be “normal”, not that such a thing exists in my opinion, to not feel like I am being judged for being overweight. And to be honest, the worst person that judges me for being overweight is me.

I do so well for a week or so, then I seem to lose track. I seem to think for some reason I can go off the rails again. The only reason that I have lost as much as I have this past year is because of Buddyslim. This is something I know for definite. My binges and going off the rails would last for weeks and months before. Now they last days , maybe a week max. Because I get back on here. I realise what I’m doing. I blog out my feelings and realise that I need to get back on track. For that, I thank everyone here so much.

I just hope that this time is no different. It is only 10am here and I have already eaten an unhealthy breakfast.  But I know one meal won’t ruin my day and I hope I don’t sabotage the rest of my day. There is no point saying I will do “this, this and this” to get back on track today cause I did that yesterday and that got me nowhere. Something I have only got myself to blame for.

Today is my first day off in a week. The sun is shining (although there are some grey clouds in the sky) and hopefully it stays this way. I am going to clean my room, start sorting things out and packing. I am going to tidy my apartment. I plan to go for a trip later. I think I need to just go for a drive, to the beach I think. Bring a book and just relax. A friend might come too. Then tonight there is a parade on for a festival in town and it goes down my street so my balcony will be the perfect place to watch from! I need to start doing things for me and stop wasting my time just doing nothing apart from working.

It is something that I am doing alot recently: living for the future. Not living for today. I am always thinking that things will be better when I move away and that I will do loads of fun things then. But life is too short to think like that. Anything can happen at any time and we have to live for today (within reason, lol, I’m not going to go doing anything crazy!!!). So I want to do something today. I’ll take my camera, take some pictures and just have a nice day off.

Anyway, a  long and rambling blog that makes little sense. Suppose that’s the way I’m feeling at the minute. I want to stop beating myself up for not being perfect, something no one can ever be, and start realising that I AM worth doing this for. I will feel better physically. I will look better and so I will have more confidence in myself. These are things I want so I have to do what needs to be done to achieve them.

Have a good day everyone……. I’ll probably write again later. Sorry if this blog was just me moaning and complaining but I just needed to get these things out of my head and make myself get back on track!

Take care

Thanks everyone for the advice on my last blog. I really do appreciate it. I let myself wallow a little more yesterday evening and continue the binge, it was controlled bingeing! I had some cereal and some crackers and cheese, not too much. I have all this great food in my house and I ate pretty much crackers and cheese for dinner??? hmmmm. that doesn’t make sense!

So I also let myself be lazy, I think sometimes no matter how much I try and convince myself to do something i just can’t seem to get the motivation!! But I figured one evening of lazy is NOT going to undo all I have done. So I had a lazy evening and I went to bed last night thinking about how motivated I was going to be today!!!

So here I am, blogging before work. Gonna try my very very best to make good choices in work. I have to eat lunch, dinner and tomorrow’s breakfast there so we’ll see how it goes. I will try though, and I will think of this blog everytime I am about to make a bad choice.

No exercise today as I’m in work but work is pretty active so that’s ok.

I also got to thinking about my goal weight. When I started this (at 225lbs) I really though 180 would be fine for me. I thought because I was tall and broad that this would be ideal. Seems I’m not as tall as I thought. Also, I’m not as broad as I thought. I think I just always felt bigger than I was because of being overweight. If this makes sense to anyone. So now that I am at 189, I know that in another 9lbs I will not be at a suitable goal for my body, My belly is still way to big and this is unhealthy. So I will wait till I get to 180 which will be in the next few weeks hopefully and then I will decide on a new goal. Probably 165lbs.

Ok, so off to work. Have a good day everyone. It is raining here, so it is just as well I’m going to work because I would just be lazy instead! lol!

and I wonder will I ever be??? Well since I logged another 3 pounds down to get to 189 on Wednesday I haven’t really done much in the way of trying to lose some more. I thought that I was getting this, I thought I had the eating under control and it was becoming second nature now. It seems not. I tried not writing down everything I eat and logging all my calories. So for the past 2 days I have not done this. With the result that I have been seriously over eating. Will I have to write everything down forever???? Will it not just become something that gets into my head? Appears not.

So I ate too much yesterday.Then went out for some drinks with work people as a colleague is getting married next week. Said I would not drink, same as the other night (Tuesday) cause didn’t want to ruin my good work! I had a diet coke. I was having fun, chatting to people and didn’t feel uncomfortable in the situation as I often do. So why did I have a glass of wine? and then another? I stopped at 2. But that was half a bottle of wine! Oh, and yeah, I ate some chocolates too. Why not? I was already doing badly! So today I am tired! Was home at midnight so got plenty of sleep. Packed a healthy lunch (if a little too much of it!) ate most of that at work along with lots of other crap because we had a little picnic with the children as it was last day of camp. Oh and there was chocolate cake in the canteen, had a little of that too. Ahh, I just couldn’t stop myself!!! Got a present of some flowers and a box of chocolates for helping out on the camp which was really sweet. I want to open the box of chocolates and eat them all. I hope I don’t I don’t plan on opening them at all, and giving them as a present to some clients or something as a thank you when I finish up in 2 weeks. must find a good hiding place for them.

So that’s it. In a slump. I have a few things to admit:

1. I am getting obsessed with the scale again, got on last night before I went out and it said 187.5…..weird!!! but it was 190 this morning. AHHHHHHH. need to put it away, I have always known my weight fluctuates alot, so why torment myself!!!

2. I feel fat Why????? I weigh less than I have in a LONG time. I cannot even remember how long!! But they were taking pictures at the drinks last night and I was looking back at them and I thought my face looked so fat. There was one I HATED! and I deleted it. How bad is that of me??? It wasn’t my camera and it wasn’t my photo to delete!! But I did it secretly. That is kinda rude of me but I just couldn’t look at it

3. I am tired and using this an excuse as to why I haven’t been to the gym this week and I’m not going today. I did go for hour long walks the last few nights so thats good.

Anyway, time for some optimism. I really think it is just tiredness setting in! So I will stop making excuses. I will write down everything I eat (might be hard to count calories as I am in work 10am tomorrow till 10am Sunday) but I WILL write it down. And then I am off Sunday and I will do something nice for myself. I won’t waste my day off playing online games or watching tv. I might go for a drive to the beach and chill out by myself, or with a friend if she is free. I am doing well, I am proud of recent weeks, but seems i’ve lost it a little. Must get it back!!

and as the beginning of the blog said, i’m not ready yet. Gotta journal my calories and aim for 1800 every day. It seems I only try and sabotage myself when I don’t write them down. I’m just not honest with myself.

Have a good weekend

YAY!!!!!!! scale read 189 this morning!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!

So HAPPY

I went our with friends to a gig last night, didn’t drink any alcohol (had one diet coke and 2 glasses of water!) told them it was because I had work in the morning which was true but also i did not want to undo all the good work I have done recently!!!

YAY! I danced for a few hours, completely sober, would NEVER have done this a year ago, did not need alcohol for confidence. I even tripped on my own feet at one stage (lol! i’m a great dancer ) and must have looked like the drunkest person there but I wasn’t!!!!!

My friend took LOTS of pictures, I’ll post some if he puts up any of me!

YAY!!!! Today is a GOOD day! Lol! Proud of myself

and i suppose as chocolate eating goes it was far from bad. 4 sweets (dark chocolate, so i put them in my cals as total 200). But it just worries me. I have zero willpower. Non at all. I mean, they weren’t even my sweets and no one offered them to me, there was just a box sitting on the staff canteen table and I had some! A box of sweets on the table does mean they are for sharing with staff, but I am only in that particular place and canteen very seldomly, i mean once every few months. So it’s not like I know everyone!! But I saw the sweets and have to have one (4)…… No one else had any. why can’t I resist ?????

Anyway, a good day apart from that. Went for a long walk yesterday evening (1hour 10mins), really enjoyed it. I have been meaning to take pictures for you guys of the route I walk, right beside the sea, very pretty. And as I am only in this town another few weeks I will really miss that sea walk! Walked to and from work today, total 50mins. Will more than likely go out for another walk later on. Work was tiring today, great, but tiring! was working on another summer camp for kids, doing arts and crafts with kids with disabilities, it was good fun!

Food wise I am on 1665 so far today (it’s 6.30pm) so I should probably stop at that. I am debating on whether or not to eat over 1800 every day this week, when I did that a few weeks back I lost a few pounds. I really really want to drop some lbs this week….hmmm what to do for the best!!

I think my body is toning though, my stomach is my main area that I want to change and it is getting much smaller. Which I am so happy about. I noticed myself walking with confidence today, often I am a little self conscious and I walk with my head down but today I was head up and not thinking that other people were looking at me. Anyway, it’s just a little change but a good one.

As of 10th August I am on buddyslim one year! 33 pounds down at present, wonder what my year result will be?! Lots of hard work needed in the next few week. I bought some shorts the other day, yep, shorts!!! I haven’t worn shorts since I was a child! My friends always tell me that I have great legs, and I do like wearing skirts (usually with black tights under) but have always been too afraid of shorts. So I bought some, they are quite short, not hot pants though, lol! They are too tight on my stomach, but fit nice on my legs. Weird. Wonder if I’ll get the confidence to wear them in public?? looking forward to being confident on my holidays this year!!!

well it is early sunday morning and I am just after a really busy 2 days. I went to bed at 7pm last night, yep, on a saturday night!! lol! but I had worked since 8pm Friday night and barely got any sleep in work. Also spent most of yesterday in hospital with a client and there was a lot of tough stuff going on. So I needed sleep!!

So, had that bbq Friday night! It was a great evening, there was music and singing and lots of food. No alcohol (obviously as I was working) as many of our residents would have alcoholism issues so gatherings are always drink free. It’s great to realise you can socialise without it! Anyway it was a fun evening. I ate before I went in the hope that would stop me eating when I got there. You think it worked????? lol! nope! So I had eaten 1500 really healthy cals before I went, veggies etc. And then I ate when I got to the bbq. I estimate that I finished up just under 3000 for the day. Oooops. Had a little bit of cheesecake and cream (very bad!!), some sweets, veggie burger in a bun, salmon, potato salad and some choc chip brioche bread (mmmmmm)! So there it is. I overate but I knew I would.

Yesterday then I ate in work again, had a healthy breakfast, then had some leftover veggie curry for lunch. Was really good, had it with a little rice, some potato salad, a small handful of nacho chips and a little cheese!! far from perfect!!! So this totalled 1550 (guessing anyway). Turns out though that is was all I ate. As I got home from work just after 5pm, spoke to a friend on the phone for an hour and then went to bed at 7pm!! I was sure I’d wake up at 9 0r 10pm and would get up and eat then but next time I woke was 2.30am!!! So I just went back to sleep!

So, am ok with how the weekend went, I thought I would do worse! Goals for next week is to get my exercise in, am really busy with work next week and have two nights out I have to go on so hope this doesn’t set me back. I plan on not drinking alcohol on either occassion as I have to be in work the next mornings, so we’ll see!

I have started to see myself differently. It’s weird. I know I am still 192lbs (and cannot seem to get under this number…..which is frustrating. Hopefully this week will be the week!!!) But I saw myself in the mirror this morning and I look slim. Not skinny (never will be!). But I don’t look fat. Well, not to me anyway. I got lots of compliments from people I work with on Friday telling me I look great. Even though have lost very very little weight since they would have last seen me. I’m getting there. I know my goal is 180 and some days I think I want to go lower (my bmi tells me I should be, at the most, 164lbs). But I don’t look at BMI too accurately to be honest. I think I will be happy at 180. Well, I’m happy now, but I mean content with my weightloss. Ok, so this is the week. I would LOVE to lose 3 lbs this week. Get to 189. I will try my best!!

This blog is long and boring and about work and eating. Probably cause there is nothing else going on with me, lol!

Off to read other people’s blogs, they might have something more exciting going on! lol!